Symptoms Include Hunger and Frivolous Blogging

Woke up in a foul mood that was only enhanced by the business related venture to Pine State Biscuits where I could not eat a goddamn thing. I realized that I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in three to four days and that I basically feel achy, crankier than usual, and kind of like I’m being perpetually held underwater. It’s uncomfortable. For me and everyone around me.

I'm not saying that any of this has to do with being vegan but the fact that my diet has been reduced to canned beans, Corn Flakes, and soy milk for almost a week now is the only change to my lifestyle that I could identify.

Let me make it clear that veganism and financial strife are equal culprits here. Consider them partners in crime, crimes against my personal sense of humanity.

Being a natural born complainer, an avid worrier, and a bit of a hypochondriac, I went to the greatest source for medical information and personal evaluation that I could think of, WebMD’s Symptom Checker application.

Over the years that I've used this nifty tool I’ve had Gout, lumbar spinal stenosis, and bipolar disorder, all of which have magically cleared up. I figured that these days my symptoms are more “general” than specific to any one (or eight) parts of my body so I clicked on the provided list as follows:

Gender, female. Age, 25-34.

General Symptoms:
Body aches or pains
Coarse hair (I did dye it recently but I noticed that texturally it’s been a little different and visually it’s been more unsightly than I‘m comfortable with.)
Dislikes change in daily routine (This is a persistent symptom.)
Distorted body image (Half the time I think I look like Beth Ditto, the other half the time I think I look like a prepubescent boy. One of these images is incorrect. Or both.)
Dizziness
Easy bruising
Excessive crying (I wanted to ask what they meant by “Excessive” but for simplicity’s sake I just clicked it.)
Fatigue
Fearful (This is what the ATM says when I ask for a balance inquiry. WebMD should also have a symptom option for “Fucking Broke As a Joke.”)
Feeling faint
Food cravings
Hunger
Inability to care for self (Again, a persistent symptom.)
Joint aches
Poor personal hygiene (I wanted to chose this only because of the hair issue. And the clothes from high-school that I’m still wearing. And the fact that I’ve been “borrowing” my roomates’ soap, razors, Q-Tips, and body lotion that smells like a man wearing cologne in a pine forest. Delightful to the senses, especially since all feminine smelling products, at this point, make me want to eat them. Anyway, I didn‘t select this symptom. No “real“ vegan would.)
Reduced productivity at work (“Reduced work where productivity might be present or compromised” is the technical symptom but whatever.)
Restlessness and irritability
Restrictive dieting (Yes.)
Short attention span
Short stature (This was an option I didn’t click on because I’ve had it forever but I thought it was a funny optional symptom just the same.)
Socially withdrawn

Now here was a tricky one: Weight loss (intentional) followed by the option of Weight loss (unintentional)
I only know I’ve lost weight because my belt now requires an additional notch and because I actually like the way I look naked. I chose the later, though, because the purpose of going vegan wasn’t to look like a high-school cheerleader. Then WebMD asked me another little riddle: Was this weight loss Sudden, Gradual, or I Don’t Know. I chose “I Don’t Know.”

The list of possible diagnoses was extensive. I could be suffering from any number of conditions, including but not limited to depression; PMS; exercise or physical activity which I did not realize were medical conditions; flu; malnutrition; bulimia (the oral intake has been minimal but the exporting has been nil, therefore I don‘t think this is something for me to worry about); dementia associated with a head injury; MS; Lyme disease; anxiety; and my personal favorite, syphilis.

Other possible menu options included “Acute stress reaction” and the phenomenally scary Sarcoidosis.

According to WebMD’s Acute Stress Reaction: Symptoms and Treatment page

“We all find ways of coping with stress. Coping mechanisms may or may not be effective or harmless.
Positive coping responses:
Listening to music
Playing with a pet
Laughing or crying
Going out with a friend (shopping, movie, dining)
Taking a bath or shower
Writing, painting, or other creative activity
Praying or going to church
Exercising or getting outdoors to enjoy nature
Discussing situations with a spouse or close friend
Gardening or making home repairs
Practicing deep breathing, meditation, or muscle relaxation

Negative coping responses:
Criticizing yourself (negative self-talk)
Driving fast in a car
Chewing your fingernails
Becoming aggressive or violent (hitting someone, throwing or kicking)

I would like a coping mechanism that doesn’t include things I do not have (ie, money, a car, a bathtub, religion) and yet is not harmful to animals, people, or vegans.

I would also like to know if any of my symptoms could be attributed to skateboarding, caffeine intake, and abject poverty? My assumption is yes, but I’m no licensed scientician.