Yellow Bellied

I knew it was too easy.

Ask anyone who knows me well, or any one night stand who has bought me breakfast: the food item that I consume most regularly is not a food item. It's a condiment.

Back when I was in college I lost ten pounds when I gave up drinking and white sugar. It was effortless. One day I was drinking Malibu rum mixed with Vanilla Coke and eating cupcakes, a month later a more svelte, less vomit-speckled me had lost her fake ID and was lacing her cappuccinos with a new, hip artificial sweetener called Splenda.

Fast forward out of the nineties, I have been on and off the binge drinking wagon since that month but I've maintained the Splenda addiction, coating everything from fresh fruit to cereal to the inside of countless coffee cups with what looks like fine grade cocaine. I use so much of the stuff that back on Long Island people would balk on line behind me at Dunkin' Donuts, loudly exclaiming that I used "a lotta dat stuff!" Yes. Yes, I do. My standard answer was that I didn't smoke cigarettes, and therefore I needed to have a vice. At least twelve of those yellow packets come standard in every one of my handbags, backpacks, and pairs of pants with large enough pockets. This always fell more on the side of being just another one of my neurotic quirks than a serious problem.

Until now.

I haven't received any definite confirmation on this fact but it looks as though Splenda, for all of its superpowers and its sunshiney slogan, is not vegan. Talk about a bitter pill.

Here's a fast fact for those of you who haven't been researching this stuff on quite the same level of ferocity as I have, refined white sugar is filtered through bone char. Splenda is made from sugar (filtered through bone char) so it tastes like sugar (that has been filtered through bone char.) Not vegan.

Again, none of this has been confirmed. And I haven't stopped using it. But going on a weekend vacation without a yellow box in tow is a Sisyphisian task to me. To give it up for a month? Preposterous. For real.

Yes, I know it's potentially lethal, according to some nutsos who use the internets. Yes, I know it's man-made and therefore probably not good for you. But until I went vegan I was able to write all of mumbo-jumbo off as easily as I dismiss that cult that what's his face and that chick from Dawson's belong to. Easy as fat-free, calorie-free, animal-product free pie.

After a few Google searches I found this post, albeit a slightly dated one, on veganforum.com:

"Splenda is "sucralose". Sucralose is produced by chlorinating sugar. This involves chemically changing the structure of the sugar molecules by substituting three chlorine atoms for three hydroxyl groups. Being that the sugar used by the chemists who manufacture this toxin do not make use of organic sugar, it is processed through bone char, making it neither a vegan or even a vegetarian product. Additionally, it was tested on thousands of animals before it was put out on the market, since only a handful of human studies have actually been conducted in a short period of time..."

Prior to my foray into taking the shit or the talking out of my union of both, I was, and still am, against animal testing. It bothers me. I don't like the idea of my shampoo being poured in a rabbit's eyes just to make sure that I don't start wincing if my pro-vitamin enhanced lather trickles into my peepers. Additionally, I fucking hate fur. I repeat, I fucking hate fur, and have since I was a child. It's barbaric, it's ugly, and if you're going to wear a pelt at least go out and kill and skin the animal with your bare (manicured) hands. Do you hear me, Beyonce? That shit is gross.

Anyway, I try my best to veer away from products that are tested on animals, but of course if I don't hear that critters are being injected or doused with my lipstick, lube, or libations I am ignorant to how much I'm a part of the problem. I know that's no excuse. Even if it's complete bullshit put up by anarchists on hippie-dippy green sites - or whatever - I've still read that marmosets, rabbits, mice, rats, and beagles - yes, beagles, like Snoopy - were used in the testing phase of Splenda by Huntingdon Life Sciences for Tate and Lyle along with the aid of McNeil Specialty Products (which is a division of Johnson and Johnson.) Even if it's complete crap I don't feel comfortable with something I put in my body being associated with this kind of cruelty until I'm told point-blank by someone I trust that it's fiction.

But I still haven't thrown out the box. There's further proof of my hypocrisy, in all of its unsweetened glory.

So now what do I do? Finish the box? Throw it out? If I do forgo the Splenda I'll be left with literally one thing that I actually actively enjoy eating (cereal with soymilk) and I will be one pissed off little girl. But now every time I look at the yellow packets I imagine animal bones and tiny Pomeranian puppies being forced to consume enough Corn Flakes coated in white powder until their little fluffy bodies go into a diabetic coma.

I have to investigate this further but so far all sources say start using agave syrup. Agave comes from a cactus that also is used to make tequila. This wouldn't be cheating on my sobriety now, would it? Now if only they would make a calorie-free sweetener that would get me fucked up and help me dance...

VeganForum Main Page
Another place where I got some info