I’ve cut out dairy, start the ticker-tape and scream, “More cow…bell!”
I know, I know. It’s dairy. It has enough hormones to make me unwillingly transgender. Cows are kept in shoeboxes and have their nipples tweaked all day long. Human beings are not meant to digest dairy products. (Yet a snack such as Cheetohs, which stain our epidermis, is not looked at twice by the same fucktards who tell me this.) Also, I have my nipples pierced. I will not cry a river of melted vegan soft serve over a cow getting to rest at second base as a job. Please.
But, yeah, shock to the system, I finally phased out my Kraft singles yesterday. This after cutting out milk with my cereal (I’m now eating Cream of Wheat, another misnomer so therefore it must be vegan) and yogurt. Other than feeling like my bones might at any moment turn to dust and the pH of my girlbits could at any moment go from fresh-as-a-daisy to more-toxic-than-Fresh-Kills everything is kosher. Or, rather, parev.
Earlier in the week, when I saw myself just steps away from crossing into lactose liberation, I was feeling kind of proud. Really, whenever I successfully do anything slightly more advanced than, say, slipping on my Converse and strolling to the toilet, I give myself a great big internal chest-bump. So to celebrate I went out to a diner in order to have my favorite meal, breakfast for dinner. This month would go off without a hitch, I thought. Fuck it, maybe I’ll stay vegan after the month that hasn’t even started yet is over, just out of spite! Haha! Take that, stupid dietary restrictions that everyone pretends are sooo hard! You probably think that Scrabble is hard too! Go listen to the new Iron and Whiiiine album and silkscreen some fliers for your next bike protest rally potluck knitting coop thing.
I was so smug in my pleather booth that I barely notice when the cute waitress with the labret piercing sauntered over find out what I wanted. Well. What did I order?
Eggs.
One can argue that Easter is this weekend, that April hasn’t started, that there are a hundred other options for breakfast/dinner that are just as tasty and versatile and cheap as a chicken’s blank shot. The white-n-orange are just as delicious as pancakes (made without butter, milk, or, um, eggs…which leaves…a plate and some flour) or potatoes!
Basically it took one single swipe at revving my egg-fueled engine to get albumen on my face.
“Ains, I’m a little bit worried about this whole “going vegan for a month” thing,” my best-friend said from across the table. “I mean, I think it’s just going to be you eating, like, crackers and air.”
And so long as the crackers are matzoh I’m not only going vegan but also keeping kosher.
No comments:
Post a Comment