Visiting Teenagers Say Thanks for the Rolls But We Really Just Came for the Beer

"So you're vegan now? Huh. You should try these cupcakes. They're amazing. And free of everything," my friend Dani said via instant message.
"Really? Where?"
"This store Babycakes. They're here in New York. But they ship overnight."
"And they're fat free?"
"Um. No. But gluten free, sugar free, and vegan."

If anyone would like to both foot the bill and split a cupcake here is the website of Babycakes: www.babycakesnyc.com

I would like a chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting, with Cupcake Insurance. Yes. Cupcake insurance. So what if I don't have health or dental, my vegan, gluten-free, refined sugar-free dessert will get to me, air travel be damned! Actually, cupcake insurance is just a cool way of saying that they have little plastic boxes to preserve your cupcake and prevent it from getting more busted up than a high-school house party. As much as I've shit-talked veganism in the past I must say that right now I could totally go for a slice of vegan banana chocolate chip loaf. I have yet to get the funding (see previous post about sudden loss of job leading to sudden loss of income) for a cupcake costing no less than $33.01 or a $62.39 loaf. Shipping, unfortunately, is the pimp to the cupcake ho. But maybe there's a sugar mama or sugar daddy out there who wants to foot the bill for some sweets? And by sugar I of course mean agave sweetened.

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Again I perused the bookstore for veganlightenment, this time I was hoping to pilfer some all-plant recipes from a cookbook or something that would both jive with my new diet and new skinny wallet. Instead I saw a book entitled Why Vegan. Yes, this is what I was looking for all along, an answer to just that question.

Well. I didn't find it. Instead I found some really dodgy British vegan rhetoric, some of which I could almost subscribe to, and a recipe for something called "Mince With Bubble And Squeak," which sounds both like a command and a live sex show containing acts even my perverted, no longer carnivorous mind can't even imagine. All in all, it was worth reading. I did laugh out loud and nearly wet myself as I sat hunched over my tiny notebook and Kath Clements' compendium of creature-free consumption. I must have looked like a crazy homeless girl. A vegan, crazy homeless girl.

Here are some of Clements' greatest hits:

In regard to a vegan entree:
"Serve with chips, tomatoes and white bread rolls to visiting teenagers."

Fresh Fruit Sorbet
"A nice dessert if the meal did not include a large salad."

Pancakes
"Serve with sugar, syrup, oranges, lemons. Other ideas for toppings will emerge with greater family involvement in pancake technology."

Cupcake technology apparently has adapted at a quicker rate. Don't know if this is due to greater family involvement or just the fact that New York City is the most progressive place on Earth. Yes, that's a pretty heavy statement, but so is calling vegans "pioneers." Pioneers killed tons of things and exploited, you know, the original inhabitants of this country. Perhaps I was just paying too much attention to the definition of vegans as the anti-killers. Unless you're a plant. Then you are totally fucked and vegans are some raccoon cap wearing, musket bearing, broccoli slaying motherfuckers.

Now although I don't necessarily agree with statements such as going vegan will make me regard meat and milk as "horrifying and pathetic substances," I can support ending "the cycle of exploitation" and an education of what I put into my body that will lead me to keep the "moral integrity" of my food choices "untainted." Basically it's a highfalutin way of saying that it's an atrocity to kill masses of animals for food in a country where so much is based on both consumerism and waste hidden under a heavy layer of ignorance. Fair enough. Now pass the cupcakes.