No, Really, I'm Not Eating That

It started in New Seasons grocery store off of Division in Portland, Oregon. I was staring at a book titled “Becoming Vegan” which, to me, sounded like an indoctrination or a compliment. I looked around at the toothbrushes made from 100% renewable resources, the soy based faux meat products molded into the shapes of body parts, the Nag Champa incense...what was a cynical girl like me doing in a town like this? I say the word environment with the emphasis on the "ire." I think that saving the whales would be great, once I'm finished reading Perez Hilton. Green is my least favorite color unless you're adding the word "back" to it and shoving some into my pocket.

I’m also not big into things that require work. For example, work. I’m not very good at sticking to a task or one single focal point for too long of a period of time which leads me to be a scatterbrained employee and a fair-weather friend in a city where it's usually raining. Things I’ve had any sort of commitment to include, and are limited to, drinking, writing, and my best-friend Erin. I went sober on February 24^th. My best-friend Erin lives in Brooklyn, New York. That leaves writing which, really, is less of a commitment, more of a way to procrastinate from doing anything else. For example, I am writing this from my work desk. My inability to snag my heart on anything short of self-destruction and starving artistry is a bit irksome. I'm fast approaching thirty. I mean, in three years I'll practically be thirty. In three years I'd better have something to show for my attention span other than watching all of Lars Von Trier's "The Kingdom." With subtitles.

I want to find something to follow-through on, something to really sink my teeth into and clamp my jaw down on for dear life, something I can immerse myself in that is foreign to me. Extra points if this something is dangerous to my health and well-being, if it alters my general approach to life. I've decided that altering my diet is a tangible, albeit ridiculous, way of making a drastic change in lifestyle. Not since my very brief stint in high-school cheerleading has dietary restriction been looked upon as acceptable social behavior, but here in Portland I’ve noticed, the truly cool kids are vegan. The best restaurants? Vegan. Abnormally attractive men and women with tattoos? Vegan. Stickers on bikes? Many say “vegan.”

Now, I must warn all of you, especially those who consume only plant based food products, once I express interest in a fad it is usually on its last, weary legs. (Cases-in-point: my subscription to YM, my first pair of Jnco jeans, the straightedge movement circa 1997, my star tattoos.) So expect veganism to go the way of the dinosaurs and perhaps in five years I’ll be clutching at the door handle of the barbaric carnivores band-wagon. Until then, welcome to my month-long stint in veganism, scheduled to commence April 1^st, 2008. April Fools, no, really, I’m not eating that.