Prep School, v. 2 (take out menu edition)

I have a menu mixed in with the countless papers in the fairly cumbersome Ikea catchall that clutters my work desk. The menu is for anonymous vegan eatery in lovely downtown Portland.

Now, before I go any further, in the interest of full disclosure, one of my roommates works for said eatery and he has a tendency to whistle while in the kitchen below my bedroom. He also complains when I take long (read: regular female length) showers. He is the chef when one speaks of this establishment's Chef's Special. Last night he urinated with the door open. The sheer force of his stream woke me up at both 2AM and 3:30AM. He is a vegan. Draw your own conclusions.

Using this cafe and catering menu as a map key to veganism I have struggled to answer some pertinent questions that have arisen as I start to train myself for my month long course in sustainable cuisine...

Question 1. - Is CoffeeMate vegan?

Anyone who has ever had the unique pleasure of working in an office with me quickly learns two things: one, I am not a "team player" like my resume claims and, two, I drink my body weight in fat free french vanilla flavored CoffeeMate daily. Yesterday in Fred Meyer it dawned on me that perhaps this delectable concoction of artificially flavored pseudo-milk solids and potassium benzoate might not be free of animal products. I consult my menu of "organic, vegan, and lovingly sustainable" vittles and find that hemp milk, kombucha, and genmaicha are available to imbibe or enhance a beverage but CoffeeMate is not. Nestle should know better. They have a bird as their logo. Just put a little Helvetica "vegan" on the label and sales would increase by, oh, .08%. At least here in Portland. Moreover, how in the hell will I not pull an Incredible Hulk and toss my computer out of the window without at least an eensy-weensy bit of coffee's favorite mate? Vegan non-dairy creamer: Fail.

Question 2. - Are vegans funny.

Note the lack of inquisitive punctuation. It's 'cause I already know the answer. "Veggie Pasta" is not pasta, but is zucchini. No pasta is present in the dish labeled as such. "Pizza" has something called "cashew cheese," "fajitas" have cashew crème , I'm not even going to get into the BBQ and taco options. Now, part of me is torn. I loathe traditional American cuisine and full-fat dairy products leave me wishing for that scene from Alien to just hurry up and finish reenacting itself in my lower colon. However, I'm not an idiot. If I order a piece of chocolate cake and wind up with an eggplant cut into a wedge I will know the difference. Moreover, what the fuck is cacao, maca , or wellness tincture? I am afraid that this quest to explore the dark side of so-called healthy eating will lead to internal acupuncture and my anus being shriveled into the shape of an 'om,' my apologies to those of you who were eating. And by eating I mean consuming something with corn syrup or a high level of sodium.

Question 3. - What the hell do you mean by "live" food?

"The *icon that would reveal exactly which restaurant this is* denotes our live (raw) offerings." Is this one of those hipster ironic things? Like, we're vegan, we eat plants, ha ha, live food. As though vegan cavemen (stretch your imaginations for just one second) would hunt and gather live roots and weeds and drag their dirt covered carcasses back to the fire where vegan cavewomen knit Grateful Dead tapestries out of vines. Live food, to me, is when you go out and kill something, thereby taking something live and making it, well, a meal. I will say that as a consumer I fully recognize the ignorant and slightly myopic nature of packaged food, as though taking a slab of flesh and wrapping it in plastic somehow makes it sterile and acceptable. I truly don't subscribe to the idea that separating a section of offal or muscle to be consumed from an animal makes it somehow more humane or compassionate on a subconscious level. Fuck that, you're eating an animal, that's what incisors are for. Accept it, embrace it. Or revile it and stop eating meat. I think that hunting is cruel but if you eat what you hunt then, really, you're at least being sincere about the whole consumption process, no? So "live" vegan food? Blow my mind or bore me. I'm confused. Entirely.

All of this reading about mock food and what it's supposed to represent made me gorge myself on Saltine crackers and water. Of course, those are two of my major sources of sustenance in preparation for vegan month, but the pasty, pasty crackers expand in my stomach like, well, like the urban legend about what happens when you feed a cat antacids. Fortunately nature (and by "nature" I mean industry) created its own form of Alka Seltzer known as the hot shower. I'm about to take one once I get home. And I'll shave my legs for a really, really long time.

(To all of my other friends who work at the joint, I apologize. You are really good people with a mission that's completely foreign to me and you are all unfairly cute so please don't hate me. And, dear rooommate, if you're reading this, there's an almond vanilla soymilk in the fridge with your name written all over it...in rabbit's blood.)

Perhaps I should just save a universal apology for the first of May.